Marriage & Singledom

I get this question in various forms, some direct, some indirect. I can see why as not just in my race, culture, religion, but in all, many expect females to be married or partnered by a certain age. But even married, I could get other questions that are commonly asked, such as what do you do, how many kids do you have, what do your kids do, and etc….

Recently, one man asked if men were afraid of me and could that be why I was single? “I don’t know. Are you scared of me?” was my response. He said he was not. But it is something I really don’t know how to address which is one of the reasons why I am writing this post — to describe my experience and the feedback I am getting. Any thoughts on this out there? It will help me better understand. There are many theories, so I can only guess. The biggest reason for writing this is I feel this issue is not something unique to me, but general to other women and it would be nice to hear from you. I think it affects one whether we are the same religion or not, probably harder as you get older, as you are out of school, not meeting as many people or are not “social” and outgoing enough. I will not focus on myself specifically, but also the general issues they bring up.

Being a Muslim woman in this country is considered being in the minority. That in addition to religion and (sometimes) culture brings up other challenges and expectations. I have come across many well written pieces on this issue, and I do not want to rehash those (recent examples: Avital Chizhik (an Orthodox Jewish lady) and her opinion piece God of Marriage @ the New York Times, and Chasing Life by Zainab Chaudary), but I do want to revisit the issue. I think its generally challenging for women, whether or not you work, what degree you have, or that you can lift 100 or 200 lbs. For myself, many have assumed that I get lots of “rishtas” (proposals) because I have been in the news and thus many around the world know of my identity (rishta does not necessarily mean an arranged marriage, but that someone has at least expressed interest to you and/or your family that they would like to consider you for marriage). I have had a few unusual & negative experiences with a few people at some competitions (that actually had nothing to do with my press coverage). I will leave it at that 🙂

Like I have mentioned in my previous post, I do not have a celebrity life that many people assume, and this also goes for getting rishtas. I spoke with a few other females of various ages, occupations and/or sport, who are also publicly known, and it has been the same for them. People think that men must be after them, similar to other publicly known figures. The theory that they have come up with is perhaps those who are publicly known must have many “proposals” so they don’t even bother trying to communicate with us and that could contribute and add on to any intimidations or fears they already have. Also, I believe that gender issues and assumptions, based on what I and others do, come into play. In my case, without knowing me, people may conclude that I am a Lesbian because my sport of choice is weightlifting (sports being considered a “man’s” activity and perhaps weightlifting more so?), and because I am not married and studied engineering. There can also be assumptions about personality, such as, am I loud, aggressive, & intimidating? If I had studied nursing and my choice of sport was figure skating, then I would be categorized oppositely? I feel this brings up gender roles that are produced by socialization which we are judged by.

Even outside of religion and culture, because there are still many misconceptions on Islam, and the Islamophobia issues, people can just be afraid or have negative prejudice of you, that they will not even approach you or communicate with you as they would normally with others. It is perplexing to me why people, especially men, feel or make assumptions that impact whether they even want to approach me to have a normal conversation.

I wonder if another barrier that might break down is perhaps as Muslim women have more roles, and people interact with them, that the negative stereotypes will become dispelled, and we can be treated like “normal” people, and I hope, with respect. I do want people to approach me with respect and without fear. I hope this post plays some part in inviting dialogue about these issues, instead of pretending that they do not exist.

I promise, I don’t have an AK-47 hidden under my head scarf. If I did, I would not have been able to get past TSA and attend events that I have. 😉

Thank you for reading and keep me in your dua. – Kulsoom